First there’s the breach of trust and the covenantal betrayal of the relationship (see our previous posts on trust and betrayal). Second, there’s the pain. When someone cheats on us, it can cut to the core of our emotional being, colouring every part of our life. In this very special blog, we want to explore the uniqueness of the emotional experience of infidelity. Specifically, we’ll try to define what’s special about the pain of infidelity. Diving into the details might help us find reasons for why it hurts so much. If we can understand how and why the pain of finding out about infidelity is special, then we can also begin to offer helpful guidance for those trying to come to terms with what they’ve been through.
Infidelity at its deepest abrades the trust, loyalty and connection that form the bases of a relationship. The fresh knowledge of a partner’s affair obliterates a feeling of secure connection and safety – a feeling that marks emotional safety in a relationship – and leaves the partner feeling profoundly betrayed and devastated.
Pain is compounded by the realisation that the relationship has been destroyed by a betrayal perpetrated by a partner who no longer values the relationship as much as they used to, leaving the victim with a loss of trust along with a violation of privacy and intimacy. In addition, infidelity gives rise to a loss of self, damaging the believer’s self-esteem and identity. As well as accepting guilt, blame and fault, the victim may also define the act as a failure on their part, interpreting the cheating as a consequence of some fatal flaw in their character. They may come to see themselves as unworthy, unattractive and undesirable, and blame themselves for not avoiding the circumstances that resulted in their partner’s indiscretion. Self-esteem may be so badly damaged by the betrayal and hurtful events that occur after discovery, that shame and humiliation overshadow actual hurt, leading to self-doubt and self-blame.
the fallout of an affair can be a chaotic whirlwind of emotions Anger, sadness, confusion, fear, guilt, desperation. The emotional tsunami can be overwhelming for the person who’s been cheated on as waves of anger and sadness flood their heart and mind amid loss of trust, loss of future dreams, and confusion regarding the past, present and future options.
Infidelity is also a death of sorts: the death of the relationship as it was, and the death of the friendship and closeness agreement that the opposite party never left. As the betrayer walked away from the agreement, the bereaved spent time mourning the end of that closeness; the loss of the relationship. The rituals of mourning may not be so much in question as their appropriateness: can the pain of grief experienced during infidelity be akin to that of mourning my parents, a friend or a pet? Well, it can be. The betrayed person is mourning a loss.
It was the loss of the relationship as they knew it, and it was the loss of the future that they shared with the fool that betrayed them. The remaking and repair of the good life after infidelity is a delicate process. But it takes perseverance, time, reflection and support. First, the bereaved must pay attention to how they feel and what they may have already been thinking or imagining, and then pay attention to whether those feelings and imaginary thoughts or ideas are still with them, and if and when they leave. Second, they may seek out appropriate therapeutic remedies to help them, just as they may need therapy to process the grief of losing a loved one. Third, they must take action to move forward. They may take small steps at first, as they feel the vulnerability that is theirs to own, because a piece of them has died.
Here, we cast light on some that may explain why infidelity causes so much anguish. Deepen your awareness, and explore some of these very specific masculine dynamics at play with us as we work to provide you with offers and tools to help support those working through their painful experience of infidelity.
Shattered Trust and Emotional Betrayal
Infidelity wounds the trust upon which any relationship depends. Discoveries of affairs can strike deep wounds in relationships, when the hurt and shock blurs with betrayal and devastation. Such wounds dig deep because the infidelity breaks a trust that has accumulated from shared experiences, personal revelations, and intimate moments. The hurt amplifies the feeling of betrayal with the loss of the special connection you believed you had with your partner.
Erosion of Self-Esteem and Identity
Knowledge of a partner’s infidelity can deeply undermine the betrayed party’s view of self-worth and identity. The betrayed person can experience a range of emotions and cognitions regarding self-worth that significantly impact their self-identity. For example, after an infidelity has been discovered, the betrayed person may deeply experience their personal inadequacies and believe that the partner’s behaviour reveals something about them – that they are not good enough to be attractive or sexually satisfying or sufficient in some other way.
Shame and humiliation often accompany or contribute to the loss of self-worth. Because the traumatic wound associated with breaking trust signifies that the person one loved has decided to engage in intimacy or connection elsewhere, the betrayed often experience shame and humiliation at being so easily replaced and expendable. In patients I have counselled, I often see a struggle for self-definition in the way they perceive their betrayal. I therefore see shame and humiliation as emotions that draw out the deepest significance of the feeling of trauma associated with infidelity. Like actual trauma (eg, surviving a plane crash), the experience of trying to come back from an affair can call into question the person you think you or your partner are. Trauma makes stronger that which has been traumatised, which is why victims have found in extreme situations that they had resources and strength of character that they or others did not realise. Within this context, we can explore the paradox of how infidelity is often a self-punishing experience for the cheater.
A loss of self-esteem and identity can have lasting ripple effects on the hurt partner’s mental wellbeing. But these noconstructive feelings are normal responses to the betrayal inflicted by the other person. Healing and rebuilding self-esteem and identity takes time, reflection and support. Therapy and counselling can become key interventions in re-routing betrayal into self-reliance and independence. Self-esteem can and should increase as the hurt partner takes their power back and rebuilds a healthier sense of self and self-worth.
Recall: you are still worthy and valuable as an individual, independent of your partner’s fidelity choices. You can’t force the unfaithful partner to act in a way that restores your trust, but you can pattern yourself in self-care strategies, connect with a support network and engage in active personal development to restore your self-esteem and self-definition.
Emotional Turmoil and Rollercoaster of Feelings
The feelings that come with infidelity may be as varied as they are strong – one partner may feel anger, sadness, confusion and fear, all at once or one at a time. A betrayed person’s feelings may fluctuate excruciatingly, morphing immediately from anger to bouts of acute sadness. As the spouse struggles with the lost sense of trust, the unrealised dreams of a shared future, and the confusion of his/her feelings and choices, the experience is often no less than a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Grief and Loss of the Relationship
Indeed, infidelity is sometimes experienced as the loss of the relationship – a going away, a vanishing of the past (the trust, intimacy, sympathy the betrayed was once used to experiencing, would seem to have, before infidelity, taken some form of ontological reality). The grieving experience after disclosure can often echo the grieving process after the death of a loved one. People mourn the past and the future they imagined with their now-former beloved.
Rebuilding and Healing
The healed relationship born from infidelity is rare and won’t come easily, but, if it can be saved, the ability to trust will be stronger and the bond deeper than ever before. Heartbreak from infidelity needs to be rebuilt with time, introspection and support. Don’t rush in, but be ready when your partner is. Determine readiness for repair and open communication. Allow your feelings to surface and process them fully, and if a bottleneck develops, seek therapy or counselling. Self-care is of utmost importance: concentrate on your own happiness and becoming the best version of yourself.
Conclusion
The challenges, doubts, setbacks and feelings of heartbreak that come with being cheated on have the potential to imprint themselves on every aspect of our lives. The wounds can be deep. When you’re dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, any hope for happiness can feel impossible, any opportunity for love can seem perverse and hurtful. Yet with introspection, treatment and hard work it’s possible to overcome the heartbreak of infidelity and, yes, to once again find happiness. By articulating the specific reasons for the pain of infidelity, we can also support those who have endured the pain and create an avenue toward healing.
