So, leaving an abusive relationship might well be the most precious that is, intrinsically valuable act of defining, healing and liberating our life that we might ever undertake, a vital necessity that, however painful, might ultimately be courageous, enduring and rewarding, a supremely human and ultimately life-freeing act of the one and only person who has the ultimate power to make our life what it becomes – ourselves.
The intention of this blog is to give an insight, in empathetic detail, to the steps that might help a woman – or any survivor of domestic abuse – to detach herself from a dangerous situation, acknowledging that this can be neither easy nor straightforward, given the variances of the abuse – its messaging, its phasing, its complexities, its emotional and mental policing, its violence, and its coercive control – as well as the aspects of the relationship itself. This is a how-to guide, an ear for listening, an arm for help.
This means that it isn’t automatic that you’re ‘allowed’ to leave an abuser, at a time or in a way that you might not consider correct; that making the decision to go is yours, and only yours. And if, as is quite likely, you’re still too frightened, or too guilty – or there are simply too many ambivalent feelings – swirling in your head such that the very idea of leaving feels like more of a battle than you feel up to today, there’s a tomorrow. Just know that you’re not alone.In fact, lots and lots of other people have been where you are, and have overcome the enormity of a desire to escape by fleeing to safety. And their stories bear witness to the fact that it can and does happen. There is an end. A life ‘on the other side’ of all that darkness, of fear and desperation and confusion, where love, respect and dignity do exist.
Throughout the blog we will address the behaviours that characterise an abuse cycle, the many faces of abuse, and the ways in which you can identify insidious characteristics. We understand that exposure is not a cure-all for destructive influences in your life, but we believe that drawing attention to dynamics will hopefully provide you with enough information to make the best choices with what you know, because we also hold the belief that change must begin with education.
Finally, we end our section with the importance of having a strong support system. Friends and family and/or organisations that are there to help abuse survivors are crucial in keeping the hope and having a fresh start with the overwhelming feelings they can experience, because leaving an abusive relationship can often be a catastrophic experience.
We will develop a safety plan with you, tailored to your circumstances. Safety planning is meant to provide you with concrete tools to use as you end your involvement and limit the harm that might come to you. When developing safety plans, we’ll consider with you the specifics of your situation and what resources are available to you to support that process.
Legal issues, such as filing for an order of protection or divorce, are also involved in the picture, which we will address as well. We will lay out what legal recourse (injunctions, orders of protection, filing for divorce, custody battles/award) is available to you, and discuss how you can use the courts. Your rights, and the successful application of those rights through meritorious legal redress, are themselves tools in helping you to solidify your future and breaking free.
Third, and finally, we will address self-care and healing in the aftermath of leaving the abuse – because leaving is only the start of your healing process, which can include learning how to be kinder to yourself, processing the pain of the abuse with a therapist or group, and building a self full of self-love and self-empowerment.
You do not deserve to be abused.You are on your way to a better future – one of love and respect, free from violence – by taking this first tentative step to understand yourself, to become more resilient. Together, through shared experience, through research, knowledge and hope, we want to take that step hand-in-hand with you, kissing you as we go.
Recognizing the Abuse
The first step towards being able to leave is for the victim of a cruel partner to realise that they are being abused upon. Emotional, physical and verbal abuse are slow, relentless and often highly insidious: the small ‘tests’ are deliberately done quietly, early on and then increased in level and frequency. Recognising what is going on and accepting that one fulfils all the hallmarks of a victim is a precondition to getting out.
Building a Support Network
Staying in an abusive relationship is difficult, but with a connected network to talk to, this process can feel more supported. Ask your friends, family or support organisation to talk with you about your circumstances and explore what help is available.
Creating a Safety Plan
And be sure you actually can exit safely when you do – a safety plan. Start by having originals of all your important legal papers together in one place, have a small bag packed and near the exit with a little money, some food, clothes, some ID and anything else you can’t do without. Have a destination or two where you feel safe lined up. If you have children, perhaps a code word that they can pass along to signal you are in serious trouble or that it’s time to leave and who they might stay with.
Seeking Professional Help
But treatment can be a useful tool in working through your trauma, too, and abuse survivors could use some help. Counsel with therapists or counsellors, or domestic violence organisations that work with people who have survived abuse, to secure help, resources and navigate through the process legally.
Documenting the Abuse
Any record-keeping is worthwhile for legal purposes. Keep track of your abuse – record instances in a journal, photograph injuries, save threatening messages or emails, and collect any other evidence to support your case.
Developing an Exit Strategy
Women who are abused have to prepare a way to get out. Develop a well-formulated exit plan that is appropriate for your circumstances. This may involve saving money, securing a new place to live, or obtaining a protective order (also known as a restraining order or emergency protective order).
Protecting Your Digital Footprint
Technology could be used to track the location of the abuse victim. Take steps to minimise your digital footprint (such as changing passwords, communication in a secure environment, and be selective about which information you share online).
Engaging with Supportive Communities
You can also contact a support group or an online forum or a local organisation, somewhere that you will feel like you can connect and get healed by the fact that there are other people who will understand you. This might be a great place where you can open to others about what you’ve been through, learn from them how they coped with it to change their lives, get inspired.
Self-Care and Healing
Leaving is a crucial first step in moving toward healing. Do more things that make you feel good, see a therapist so you can begin to process what happened to you, and – if this is something you’d like to learn more about, begin to practice mindfulness, love yourself, be kind to yourself, and give yourself compassion with anything you need to as you navigate the aftermath of an abusive relationship.
Legal and Financial Considerations
Talk to an attorney about your rights and what avenues of redress are available, such as seeking orders of protection or filing for divorce.
Conclusion
Leaving your abuser is a powerful step, no longer in his hands, you’re living a new life. It takes guts, and stomach. Enormous preparation. You deserve to be free of abuse. If you’re feeling the seeds of domestic abuse and you want out, begin building a safety net and leaving plan. You’re not as alone as you feel, help hotlines for professional abuse experts and survivors can help.