Accepting the possibility that you will never have a child can be among the most unspeakable of sorrows. Whether by choice or circumstance, grieving the loss of what had been a path you once expected to follow requires grit and grace. It entails cultivating compassion for yourself, guarding against regret, and embracing a life of purpose and reward without children. This article will share practical ways to cope with infertility and childlessness and find room for satisfaction in the years ahead.
Let Yourself Feel: It is okay to be sad, angry, grieving or just plain wistful when you are faced with the fact that you will never have a child. It is okay to let yourself feel these things. Don’t stuff your feelings or pretend you aren’t feeling them. Your feelings are your feelings. They are a legitimate response to a life circumstance that you deserve to feel however you choose to feel.
Reach out: having to deal with childlessness can feel lonely at times. But you’re never really alone. Reach out to people you trust and who welcome you like trusted friends, family members or support groups can offer you empathy, understanding and validation. This can help you to feel less lonely and increase your resources as you navigate your childlessness journey.
Pay attention to self-care: keep up practices that support your physical, mental and emotional health. These might include regular exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or participating in hobbies that you enjoy. Self-care is a vital tool for building resilience.
Re-frame: move away from lamenting what you don’t get, toward appreciating what you do get 2. Re-frame: move away from viewing your situation as imprisoning, toward viewing it as encouraging freedom, flexibility and autonomy 3. Re-frame: move away from thinking of what you could get or miss out on, toward thinking of ways you might want to channel your resources.
Find Other Ways to Parent: If you wanted to become a parent but cannot, find alternative paths to parenting and caring for children. Volunteer with youth organisations, mentoring programmes or foster care agencies. Such work can provide you with meaning and purpose, while also helping to enhance the lives of others.
Develop a life with a sense of purpose and meaning: Figure out what matters to you, figure out what your values, passions and goals are and centre your life around pursuing something that makes sense for you, is true to you and brings you joy. Make a life of serving people, make a life of contributing to something that matters to you, go after a purpose and meaning and, in the long run, you will not regret your journey. Build some lifelines around you. Build a few close, intimate, honest and credible relationships. Build your life goals, centre your life around something that is dear to you and get good at something in your professional and personal life.
Develop gratitude: Think about how many things we have to give thanks for! As childless individuals, it’s easy to see only the shortcomings of our lives, but look a little closer, and you’ll see that you probably have a lot to be grateful for. Maybe you’re not married, but there are other people in your life. Maybe you haven’t won the Nobel Prize for literature, but perhaps no one writes novels entirely in haikus. Or maybe certain essays, by some critics.
Get Professional Help if You Need it: If you find you are unable to cope, do not hesitate to consult a therapist or counsellor. You will get the necessary help, support, guidance and more importantly the coping for childlessness, which will help you accept, reach an inner calm and achieve closure.
Meaningful Activities: Fill your life with activities, interests and pursuits that bring you meaning, purpose and joy in your life. You might explore new pastimes and hobbies; seek new learning or further professional development; volunteer for causes you care about; become absorbed in creative pursuits; other interests. You could fill your home, and your life, with non-parent related hobbies and interests that build meaningful meaning and joy into your life.
Take care of your (emotional) self: be kind and helpful to yourself, recognising the difficulty of living without children. Allow yourself to have any range of emotion such as sadness, disappointment or uncertainty. Treat yourself as kindly and reasonably as you would any friend going through the same life circumstance. Practice self-compassion with phrases such as ‘It is okay that I feel sad/disappointed/uncertain about no longer having children.’ Engage in self-compassionate soothing behaviour and pressure reduce thoughts and challenges self-critical thoughts with compassionate, helpful thoughts.
Invest in Relationships: If you do not have children, look to developing meaningful relationships with a partner, friends, family members or even pets. Involve yourself with others and form strong bonds that are built on trust, love and mutual care and engagement. Celebrate what makes each relationship special, and spend time with your loved ones. What your loved ones give, and who they are, is part of your landscape of happiness.
Think about your legacy. How can you make the world better? What values, passions and talents do you have that you might leave as a legacy for a greater good? Perhaps you might volunteer for causes you care about. Or you might make the world better through advocacy and social change. And maybe you will leave a legacy in the form of a philanthropic donation or mentoring the next generation of leaders. Thinking about leaving a positive legacy helps in finding meaning in life without children. Regardless of how you choose to leave your legacy, know that you have children; they are the very fabric of your life. By seeing your legacy-building as a way to have children that last, you will feel fulfilled that your life made a difference.
Overall, when you can’t have kids, coping is a deep, personal and at times lonely process. However, by taking the time to recognise your feelings and reactions; by reaching out and building a supportive network of family, friends and professional support; by showing yourself compassion and attempting to reframe your struggles; by exploring alternative means to parenthood, as well as a life that doesn’t necessarily revolve around children; by practising gratitude; and getting support from a specialist in dealing with infertility-related issues, it is possible to heal, find a sense of peace, purpose and fulfilment as you embrace your unique journey. You are not merely defined by your ability to have kids, and there are many roads to a meaningful and fulfilling life.
