We, as parents, set limits and rules for our children so that they might enter the world in a systematic manner . At times, it is also the case that the child refuses or fails to enjoin rules and consequences. This can be frustrating and exhausting for parents. The coming blog will suggest some really unique tips to handle such situation.
Reflect on the Communication Style
Consciously reflecting on your style of communication is an important step in understanding why your child doesn’t respond to your rules and ways of imposing consequences. Here is my take on this aspect:
Firstly, effective communication is the foundation of a good relationship with your child. Your approach to communicating is often reflected in how your child responds, and being able to understand why you’re so bothered can often be the game-changer.
Consider first the specificity and predictability of your rules. Children are at their most successful when they understand their boundaries and the expectations of the adults around them. To that end, consider whether your expectations are clearly communicated and whether they are known and understood by your child. When the rules are not clearly understood, a child may exhibit ambiguous resistance. Speaking more specifically to your expectations helps a child better understand your request.
There is also active listening: do you hear your child? Children have important thoughts and feelings worth acknowledging and reflecting. To acknowledge and reflect on them is to show active listening and empathy. Active listening usually makes your child feel heard, understood and respected. And this creates an atmosphere in which your child is more responsive to rules and consequences.
Moreover, think about your tone of voice and body language as you’re speaking. Your non-verbal communication has a big influence on whether your child perceives your message as helpful and encouraging or alarming. Try to keep your tone low-key and supportive, not angry or aggressive, and don’t lapse into confrontational talk that might make your child defensive.
Remember, your child is an individual; one might respond better than the other. Sometimes a bit of trial and error in your communication style is necessary. If you are using a communication style that’s not working, explore other ways to communicate that are a better fit to the child’s personality and preference. This might mean using visuals or maintaining a more playful approach when discussing a topic.
Spending a few hours reflecting on your speaking style also signals that you care enough about your parent-child relationship to try to manage an atmosphere of healthy control and responsive communication. It means that you can speak what you mean – and, when necessary, mean what you say – without upsetting your child by making him or her feel as if they are constantly under attack or trapped in a situation of bad faith. And, more importantly, it helps them feel comfortable to speak in return. The key, as Freud surely understood, is authentic listening – not just listening to hearts beat but listening with a body, mind and soul attuned to the inner workings of the people you live with and love. If you can achieve that, you are well on your way to a life of extraordinary sex.
Explore the Root Causes
This is the only way we can begin to identify what it is that has originally made them unresponsive. Establishing an understanding of the child’s root causes opens up a whole new way of working and thinking about their behaviour. It provides us with the best opportunity to change things. Here’s a very different way of thinking about it.
For example, if a child generally becomes dysregulated when disciplined but there have been no drastic changes in rules or consequences lately, you need to dig deeper to figure out what else might be going on. All children are different, and all displays of dysregulated behaviour might have their own unique set of root causes. By trying to understand the child’s perspective from the inside out, you may be able to determine what could be troubling them.
Developmental factors: Children’s development unfolds in stages, each of which comes with its own particular challenges. Your child’s unresponsiveness could be related to a struggle with their growing assertion of independence from you, or their struggle to cope with new levels of responsibility they are expected to take on. Being aware of where your child is developmentally helps you adapt your interactions in a way that allows them time and space to find their feet.
Emotional pain: Whether it’s fear, worry, insecurity or shame, emotions can lead to avoidance. Kids might be feeling so much pain that they can’t process your instructions. Anxiety, for example, might make following the rules much harder by interfering with the process. Try acknowledging your child’s feeling and offering support as a way to deal with underlying emotional struggles.
Desire for independence: Most children, as they get older, are striving for greater autonomy and independence. A desire to be self-reliant and make their own choices might be motivating your child’s unresponsiveness to your rules and consequences. To help your child feel autonomous and empowered, while still establishing appropriate boundaries, you’ll need to balance their need for independence.
However, genuine exploration of root causes requires respect and empathy, and must come with a willingness to tolerate conversations that might be unpleasant, one-sided or even upsetting. Kids often need opportunities to describe their discomfort and vent their frustrations without being interrupted or receiving layered responses such as ‘Yes, but…’ or ‘Think about this instead.’ Simply listen. Hear your children out. Validate their perceptions and feelings. Genuinely listen to what your kids are saying.
Keep in mind that you need to start off by addressing the core concerns. This means being patient, and being willing to try a different parenting approach that might accommodate your child or address his needs. Consider bringing in additional supports into the equation, or resources your child can use to help himself. Take a kind and empathic view of what is going on with your child, and try to meet him at his level.
Collaborate and Involve the Child
Involve the child in problem-solving. Invite her to take part in discussions where she can be a decision-maker, express her feelings and viewpoints. Collaborative problem-solving promotes the child’s sense of agency, efficacy and responsibility, as well as the parent-child relationship.
Reinforce Positive Behavior
Instead of focusing on punishment of bad behaviour, focus on positive reinforcement of good behaviour; reinforce good things your child does, and he or she will keep up the good behaviour.
Implement Natural Consequences
And here, natural consequences can be an excellent teacher of life, if the child can allow them. This doesn’t mean that parents impose artificial consequences (‘If you don’t eat your veggies, you don’t get dessert’), but rather that the natural outcome of the child’s actions is what directs the lesson. Again, this isn’t a situation where the child is left to figure it all out on their own. Rather, the parent is present, to guide and support them through the natural process.
Seek Professional Guidance
If, however, your child’s disengagement from you or others continues, or if you are concerned about it, seek help. Child psychologists, therapists and counsellors may have tools and suggestions that could help.
Conclusion
It’s not an easy road when you’re parenting a child who refuses to abide by rules and consequences and comes up with his own methods, but not the ones you see as acceptable. And it can be confusing and feel scary too! As a parent coach, most clients who come to me want help understanding why their children don’t obey, how they can make them do what they want them to do, and how to get them to engage with the family the way they would like them to. So, I reflect on communication, dig deep to understand what’s going on behind the refusal, include them in solutions, enforce guidelines and consequences, and natural consequences, and refer them to an experienced professional when they express feelings that tell me they could use help with their emotions. And remember, children aren’t carbon copies of other children – everything I share applies to every child, but all children are different, and what works today might not work tomorrow. Breathe, be flexible and show your child that he can do this and be successful in life. You are their parent, and someday they will thank you!