Infidelity is such a murky topic, it rides against the grain of everything that’s ‘right’ within a committed relationship: it’s full of guilt for everyone involved. Maybe especially for the person who betrayed their partner. But we’re all different; human experience is multi-faceted and we embrace that in this one-of-a-kind blog. We’re prepared to focus on women’s experiences of guilt-free infidelity. But before we begin, please know that we’re coming from a place of curious compassion. We want to explore this murky phenomenon from the same place that you, our reader, might have studied polygamy or the Vikings, with detached interest in other lives, worlds and experiences (but that doesn’t mean we appreciate polyamory).
Many people feel the sting of betrayal, and naturally respond to this area with strong emotions and moral judgments. But when everyone’s conflict and reactions are so different – not to mention the entire person’s who is having an infidelity – people need to stay open to learning more about what’s going on. It is my hope that once we pull back the curtain of assumptions and illusions we all carry, we’ll be able to see clearly enough to break the cycles that keep us in varying degrees of despair.
We hope to shed some light on why women themselves might not feel bad, truly bad, about cheating on their partners. Whether you disapprove or not, from a compassionate point of view, it’s possible to see a much richer picture of why, for some women, infidelity isn’t the abomination that popular wisdom and legal codes would have us believe.
This creates an opportunity for empathy and opening minds, for talking about human differences, as well as for generating new insights. We hope that our view into an unsolved dark matter of human experience might contribute to a more complex and compassionate dialogue about the human nature of being unfaithful.
But let’s speculate, exploring the complex reasons why many women don’t experience overwhelming guilt when they’ve strayed, and maybe, most importantly, allow ourselves to bring a compassionate gaze to the human experience. And we hope it will help others, too.
Emotional Disconnect in the Relationship
For women who believe they’re falling short in the depth or quality of their connection with their current partner, an affair can actually feel like an act of desperation for something meaningful that they think their marriage no longer provides – or one that their marriage can’t. When women come under-nourished to their relationship, if an affair is fruitful and satisfying, it can blunt or even mute the experience of chronic guilt.
Dissatisfaction and Unfulfilled Desires
For some women, guilt associated with cheating might not be as intense if they have been [dissatisfied], and the desires were unfulfilled and unmet within their committed relationship, across various dimensions (emotional, sexual, other forms of satisfaction). In such a case, the cheating becomes a way of fulfilling a desire that was unfulfilled, lessening the intensity of guilt. If there is dissatisfaction with the quality of an emotional connection, some women might feel neglected, not listened to, not appreciated in their committed relationship and might seek emotional validation or connection elsewhere. They rationalise their actions for fulfilling an unaddressed emotional longing, which can lessen the intensity of guilt.
Also, sexual dissatisfaction can be a driving force. If a woman is not happy with her sexual relationship (because she has less intimacy with her partner, has a lower desire or higher desire, or experiences mismatch over time, among other reasons) and feels that her sexual urges are not met the way that she would like, seeking sexual connection outside of her partnership can seem like a way to satisfy those sexual needs. The perception that her needs are being met elsewhere can alleviate guilt.
But it is not just emotional and sexual fulfilments outside the relationship that we often crave and keep punishing ourselves for not getting. For example, there might be a woman who feels frustrated or perhaps unfulfilled in her life – because she is not allowed (or does not allow) herself to further her personal growth, her career, her sense of adventure, or just simply her own individuality. Some of the most frequent ‘excuses’ or rationalisations for such adulterous behaviour involve justifying the desire to ‘find oneself’ or ‘become a more complete person’. In this case, such rationalisations could further reduce the sense of guilt by justifying the ‘victim part’, such as the idea that cheating has to take place because one ‘needs to become another person’ or ‘mix it up a bit’.
This is not to excuse or condone adultery but rather to dig beneath the moralising to better understand the inner turmoil and rationalisations that can help some women shroud themselves in grey. Everybody and every relationship is different, and those unfulfilled lust needs can manifest in myriad ways.
Recognising the presence of unfulfilled needs allows us to accept that dissatisfaction is a part of infidelity. It also emphasises the need for honest communication about needs and desires in committed relationships, as well as proactive and constructive attempts to improve sexual and romantic satisfaction within a relationship.
Perception of Neglect or Lack of Appreciation
If a woman feels that she has been shortchanged or devalued by her partner, that her partner has disregarded her needs or has often treated her with contempt – if she feels that everything has been extracted while nothing has been given in return – then she is more likely to think that, by getting her needs met via an affair, she is setting things right, retaking control, or revaluing herself. This in turn has the potential to lighten the load of guilt.
Individual Moral Framework and Beliefs
Every person has their own unique moral compass. Not every woman will have the same response to infidelity, the same sense of guilt. Some might explain it to themselves in a way that minimises guilt, if they believe that cheating is wrong but not terrible. If their initial culture taught them different ways to view infidelity, if they had different model relationships, if they were abused before, maybe these factors shape how they think of infidelity.
Emotional Complexity and Coping Mechanisms
There are a wide variety of human emotions, and it is not uncommon for individuals to attempt to manage difficult emotions by drawing upon diverse coping strategies. Women might choose to detach their emotions in some way or to ‘compartmentalise’ their feelings in order to modulate their guilt. Another coping mechanism might be the cognitive dissonance described above, where one minimises the behaviour’s impact on one’s conscience and punishment systems in order to downregulate feelings of guilt and cleave the action to their personal emotional architecture.
Conclusion
Infidelity is a complex, charged topic that impacts relationships and individuals in countless ways. There are very few infidelities, and very few people, who are unemotionally dense. However, since the question of why women don’t feel guilty after an affair is emotionally loaded, my invitation is to consider the topic with a dose of empathic curiosity and compassion.
Consider why she might feel disconnected, unfulfilled and overlooked? Consider her point of view, her perception of inadequacy? Understand that she has some kind of reasoning to cope with the guilt or pain resulting from an affair, no matter how contorted it is. Infidelity can harm all parties, but if we can get better at having difficult conversations, we can begin to heal. Remember why we took on the difficult subjects of marriage dynamics in the first place – it’s not groundbreaking to say that everyone is different, and everyone experiences and perceives life differently. For better or worse, relationships are not based on principles. Let’s remember that there’s always at least two sides to every story.