Happen to yourself too often? Are you involved in one toxic relationship after another, struggling to understand how you could have found yourself here again? The answer is likely not a simple one: we all do things sometimes that prompt others to engage in toxic behaviours toward us. Nor is the answer necessarily one that blames you based solely on your childhood development. Nor is the answer a fluffy, feel-good psychoeducation piece focused on getting rid of negative partners. This blog will share insights to help you identify the layers of secret desires or needs that might account for your developmental trajectory, but you’ll also learn what to do next to stop recreating toxic relationships.
Unconscious Beliefs and Childhood Conditioning
The way we grow up and form our first relationships can deeply influence how we attract resourceless partners later in life and perpetuate the cycle. Whether it’s feelings of poor self-worth, co-dependency or fear of abandonment, we often inadvertently gravitate to a toxic partner without fully understanding why. This may have its roots in some of the earliest conditioning we receive as children.
Familiarity and Comfort
Many of us embrace that which we know, including behaviour that is unhealthy for us. If you grew up in a toxic or dysfunctional family, you might be attracted to it as an adult. It requires considerable practice and intervention to redefine your perception of what’s normal.
Unresolved Emotional Wounds
An unhealed historical trauma can become a magnet for toxic lovers. Unresolved betrayal, neglect or abuse can leave a psychological wound that attracts individuals who inadvertently treat you in the same way as your past perpetrators. Cognitive behavioural or counselling therapies can help you process these wounds and develop strategies for finding lasting relief.
Lack of Boundaries
Those who seem fated to draw toxic partners into their lives are typically poor at setting and enforcing boundaries. Boundaries convey what you are willing to allow and what actions you will not tolerate. When you don’t have sufficient boundaries, you leave yourself vulnerable to sexual predators, liars and cheats, and toxic people. Learning to set and defend your boundaries is essential for breaking the cycle.
Self-Worth and Self-Love
Athletes understand the interplay of low self-worth, lack of self-love, and susceptibility to toxic relationships: because you don’t value yourself, you allow yourself to be abused or mistreated, believing that you deserve it. By taking steps to boost self-compassion – and that involves self-care, as well as activities that raise your self-esteem – this dynamic shifts.
Fear of Loneliness or Being Alone
One underlying driver for the lure of the toxic is a terror of being alone. Most of us have some fear of being single, of being without a partner, by choice or by force – through abandonment, feeling less than, or from parenting expectations that warned us to avoid being a spinster.
And that fear can become so influential over your decisions and actions in relationships that you might: stay in any kind of relationship instead of being alone; tolerate mistreatment or become involved with someone who isn’t good for you. Be more likely to overlook the red flags and negative behaviours of a potential partner, or grab on to someone as ‘a relationship’ just to avoid the stigma of being alone.
This stems from a false assumption that being alone means being lonely or ‘on our own’ or some other dreadful definition that suggests some inner void. But being alone is not the same as being lonely and this central misconception of aloneness needs to be shattered. Finding solitude is ultimately a positive form of relationship with ourselves and, as we continue to embrace it, it can be a positive path towards personal growth and a strong self.
Breaking through the stigma of being lonely or alone is all about shifting the perceived barriers that come with feeling that way. If you can begin to see being single in a different light, that being single or in-between relationships is a positive opportunity for self-care and growing in love towards yourself and for others, you can actually begin to breakthrough the wall of fear you may have surrounding being alone.
Invest in ‘self-care’ while alone – taking up hobbies, pursuing interests, learning how to pamper yourself, reflecting on past mistakes, etc. The more you understand yourself, the better you can take care of yourself, and the more confident you’ll be about what’s really important in a partner, and whom you want on your team in life.
After all, spousal violence is one potential outcome that emerges from fear of being alone, and that fear can reinforce the attractiveness of toxic partners. Spending more time enjoying solitude, learning to be compassionate to yourself, and genuinely valuing yourself could free you from unhealthy relationships and build a fulfilled life with healthier relationships.
Unbalanced Power Dynamics
Where there’s a toxic relationship, there’s often a controlling partner, who through their words or actions makes the other feel disempowered. If you’re someone who tends to get dominated, being pals with an equalising partner is going to feel like a breath of fresh air, even if it’s hard to pinpoint the reasons why. But if you’re louder and more overpowering than your partner (hence, the toxicity and the relationship losing its luster), then consider just how much you empower the other. They partner up with you for a reason, so revisit those reasons and figure out how to establish two healthy forms of equality.
Conclusion
To rid yourself of your pattern of unhealthy partners and to attract healthier ones, you need to become more aware of your life, what you want and deserve, and why you keep attracting unhealthy mates. Remember, it isn’t your fault and there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just life’s way of teaching you important lessons so that you can heal and embrace a happier life with loving and respectful partners who treat you well. Playing the blame game is of no use when creating a better, healthier future. It’s time to take charge of your life, to value yourself enough to be selective about the types of partners you allow into your life. You deserve love, respect and happiness. Love yourself enough to embrace your journey of self-discovery and heal yourself, and trust that your future can be one filled with positive, loving and healthy relationships. 💔 View this lovely post on Instagram. A post shared by ericaspiegelman