Romantic monogamy is one of the key shared narratives that most human societies have created for how people should conduct their love lives. Nine times out of ten, we want to believe that if we put love and commitment into a relationship, we will not engage in any behaviour that could be hurtful or damaging to our partners. Infidelity represents a complete betrayal of the ideal of romantic monogamy and, for many, it is incomprehensible that someone who loves their partner could be tempted to cheat. But why do people often get tempted to cheat, even within apparently loving and rewarding relationships? In this blog post, we want to explore some of the complex issues that play a role in infidelity. We hope to shine a light on this truly human struggle to truly understand it. Human beings are complicated and love is complicated, too: there are no simple answers. Our desire to know what is happening when people cheat could reflect a wish for simple explanations for this complex and understandable phenomenon. In our blog here, we are going to explore it in some detail, based on what we know about human psychology and relationships.
When we explore infidelity, what we are really exploring is the human condition in all its richness and complexity. And when we consider why people cheat on those they love, we are forced to confront the complex web of desires and emotions that drive us all, the vulnerable human dynamics that drive people apart and bring them together, often simultaneously. But most of all, to understand why people cheat, we have to be willing to see them as they really are – as complicated, fallible, flawed human beings. To do this is to develop empathy and compassion for others and so elevate our own humanity in the process. I would like to think that, in trying to understand why people cheat, we offer a third way through an endless and fruitless debate between absolute naturalism and moral puritanism. Infidelity, after all, is a deeply human struggle.
Follow us as we explore the question of what makes women stray, and why we turn a blind eye. It could be the most valuable thing we ever do.
Unfulfilled Needs and Desires
Failing to fulfil such needs and desires in your current partner can be highly motivating in initiating an affair. The truth is that everyone has individual emotional, physical and psychological needs that need to be satisfied in order to experience deep relationship satisfaction. When those needs aren’t being satisfied in your intimate partnerships, it can lead to a feeling of relationship dissatisfaction that can drive you to seek social, emotional and physical satisfaction somewhere else.
For example, a lack of emotional intimacy could potentially mean that one partner will be more likely to pursue emotional intimacy with a third party, if he or she is not getting that from the relationship. Likewise, sexual need could be just as important; if someone is not satisfied in this regard with their partner and feels sexually frustrated, this could also potentially mean the person is more likely to seek sexual satisfaction with a third party.
Another is the desire for newness and thrills. Over time, in a long-term relationship, things can become rather predictable, and people might start to crave the new and thrilling. If such a need is not met, eventually individuals can find themselves tempted to meet the need outside of their committed relationship.
Understanding and resolving these sexual needs – that often go unsatisfied – is pivotal for couples to deal with difficulties, processing them through erotic energy when it’s expressed as sex. Engaging in honest talk about any yearnings, hurts, regrets can be the first step in making sure nothing and nobody comes between you.
By meeting each other’s needs together and satisfying each other’s desires, couples can enhance their bond, improve relationship satisfaction, and reduce risk of infidelity, provided that each partner is willing to listen, understand and work towards each other’s desires, thus creating a more connected and satisfiying relationship.
Emotional Disconnect and Vulnerability
Being locked in a relationship with no emotional connection exposes people to vulnerability. They do not feel seen by their partner or valued for who they are. So why not find a source of emotional connection that can alleviate their pain and validate or attach to a new person? Infidelity can seem like an escape from the emotional disconnection in our daily lives.
Self-Exploration and Identity Crisis
Sometimes, people cheat because they are confused. They are looking for answers to questions they didn’t even know they had. They’re searching for connection, sex, love, dissatisfaction or excitement during the rare times in their lives when they don’t feel satisfied with who they are, who they are with or even whether they like themselves. This is an aspect of cheating you probably hadn’t thought of, but it can be helpful to remember in order to support a couple make the best of such difficult times.
External Influences and Opportunity
Extrinsic potentials – for example in one’s social environment or environment in general – can facilitate infidelity. Proximity to a potential partner, or opportunities for secrecy, can make infidelity easier to commit. Being aware of these potentials for infidelity, and countering them before they arise, can help protect relationships.
Lack of Communication and Conflict Resolution
Poor communication and issues unresolved between partners are common precursors to infidelity. Obstacles to communication are likely to build dissatisfaction and emotional distance between partners, creating fertile ground for an affair. Poor communication can be defined in different ways. It can include failure to communicate at all, ability to communicate and express emotions and needs, and poor listening skills. If there is a lack of communication, partners can feel disrespected, overlooked, misunderstood or disconnected from each other’s emotions. The gradual breakdown in the exchange of meaningful communication can slowly erode the amount of trust and emotional intimacy between partners.
Further, unresolved conflict can also put a strain on a relationship as well. If issues, resentments or conflicts go unresolved, the overall feeling of tension and frustration can run high. Indeed, if unable to articulate or resolve such conflicts over time, resentment can fester and lead to one or both parties looking for solace or validation in another individual outside of the relationship.
Communication and conflict-resolution skills can be improved to help couples avoid and overcome the causes of cheating. These skills may include learning effective communication techniques, such as listening and being listened to (active listening), how to talk about one’s needs and feelings in a constructive manner (‘I’ statements), and how to be empathic and nonjudgmental when listening and responding to your partner’s concerns. Foster an environment in which the couple can talk about concerns in nonjudgmental and safe ways, which may help to arrive at agreeable solutions to problems.
Secondly, conflicts that are left unsettled or suppressed increase the risk of infidelity. If you have such a conflict with your partner, do not wait until you are in crisis. Seek couples therapy or work through the problem together, using positive conflict-reduction techniques, to ensure that both of your needs are met and that you feel better connected. When a couples therapy chapter ends (even if it has been tough), it can bring the couple closer emotionally and thereby lower their risk of infidelity.
Clearly, better communication here can elevate the partners’ emotional bond, promote empathy and trust, and make both spouses feel that their needs and desires are acknowledged, diminishing the likelihood that either will seek affection or happiness elsewhere.
Personal Factors and Individual Choices
Ultimately, infidelity is about decisions and individual factors. People do what they do because of their own complex psychic history, their own ideas about values and priorities. When people cheat, it is rarely because they have no power over their choices; it is because they are making choices – and it is part of being human to take responsibility for them.
Conclusion
Cheating is a complicated, multifaceted issue that can occur even in healthy, loving relationships. Our journey into why people cheat may not alleviate pain, but understanding factors such as psychological or sexual unmet needs, emotional detachment, searching for personal meaning, external influences, ‘righting a wrong’, or poor communication can all be addressed in circumstances leading to infidelity. Opening conversations, addressing unmet needs and repairing disconnections can grow more committed and involved relationships. Being in love and being committed to that person and the relationship takes work, growth and a sense of self-awareness about ourselves and the other person in our life.
