Within the modern contemporary context of relationships, the friendship with benefits (FWB) has emerged as a type of relationship where people engage with one another trying to harmonise the facets of a friendship and a purely physical intimate connection with another individual. And while these relationships can successfully co-exist despite being rooted in opposing intentions, people have become curious as to where friends with benefits go over the course of time as casual emotional connections can change as time passes. Thus, in this blog post I will attempt to take an inquisitive and insightful look at the course of relationship that many friends with benefits might take in order to illuminate how these relationships can change and transform over time.
To be clear, FWB situations can serve as more than a side-of-the-plate trample where you get what you can. When initiated with mutual consent and a desire for a non-exclusive, casual (aka FWB friendly) physical relationship within the existing context of a friendly partnership, the FWB ‘deal’ can form, in what relationship experts Arthurs aptly describe, as a ‘terrific way to avoid emotional entanglement’.
For many people, FWB evolution is a dynamic process. Some couples discover that their relationship grows deeper, as emotional intimacy develops alongside the physical connection. ‘It becomes not a delineated FWB experience, but a more nuanced, more complex, blurrier set of gradients,’ Frost says. Others might experience a change in personal needs at some point, and an FWB relationship might naturally end or transition into something else.
Be prepared for the emotional backlash when the guy you’re sleeping with becomes more than just a provider of sex. And be prepared for the emotional backlash that you are now tolerating behaviour from a man who is beneath you As people spend more time together and share more intimate experiences, it’s normal that one or both partners develop deeper feelings or attachments. This can change the dynamic altogether and potentially complicate the issues. Transparent and candid discussion of how emotions are evolving is vital, otherwise the FWB run the risk of disrupting the dynamic that made the whole thing tick.
An FWB can ultimately lead to a couple coming together as boyfriend and girlfriend if their feelings for each other deepened as friends with benefits, or it may result in both of them agreeing to be platonic friends again because the erotic element no longer suits them. Additionally, an FWB relationship can sometimes fizzle on its own and end because both people move on and want to be with someone else romantically or sexually.
As John Van Epp points out in his book How to Avoid Falling in Love, ‘the way FWBs can survive the long-term pattern of sexual partners failing in love and continuing to have sex with each other amounts to an intriguing experiment in open and healthy boundaries’. When people treat one another kindly and communicate frequently about their needs and desires, they can often make FWB arrangements work for years. This doesn’t necessarily mean that both individuals have floods of fear and anxiety about each check-in, but it does require the ability to articulate and address one’s own needs, while being aware of and respecting the other person’s needs. However, as situations shift and feelings change, it remains crucial and healthy to discuss them so that everyone involved can be well-versed in how to move forward.
Establishing the FWB Dynamic
Within the context of a friends with benefits relationship, two people start seeing each other casually and engaging in non-exclusive physical intimacy grounded in a network of friendship. Often, what makes friends with benefits unnecessary emotionally challenging is the shared expectation of the lack of commitment. The absence of desire for and preparedness towards an emotional attachment becomes a motivations for engaging in the friends with benefits arrangement.
The Fluid Nature of FWB Relationships
Over time, a FWB relationship might grow into something different, becoming a more intimate romantic relationship; or realise that for whatever reason, their needs are evolving, and come to an end naturally, or morph into something else.
Navigating Emotional Complexity
Aside from the sex itself, the biggest hurdles to making a FWB relationship work are usually centred around emotional management. With time comes emotional change and complications. There is the risk for either or both partners to develop more serious feelings or attachments. And most of these challenges arise when their emotional expectations diverge. Good, open communication is critical to dealing with these changes and keeping both sides on the same page.
Potential Outcomes: Staying Friends or Parting Ways
The eventual fate of an FWB relationship can take many forms. Some couples solidify into couples, having discovered that their emotions had evolved over many months together. Others may shift back to being platonic friends, having realised, after a long time together, that romance or sex wasn’t what they were after. In other cases, the fling might just run out of fuel, and fade away on its own, neither wishing to progress into something deeper, but also not wishing to break things off either.
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries and Communication
The secret to keeping your FWB relationship thriving may lie in communication and setting boundaries: ‘Regular check-ins just to chat about what you’re enjoying and if anything needs to change or be addressed, or to confirm that things are still working out, are advisable if you have an open relationship with someone,’ says La Salla. As for how often these check-ins should occur: ‘once a week is a good rule of thumb, especially for couples who are very busy’, says Wendy Walsh, a Los Angeles-based sex expert, author and former talk-radio host, who herself came through a rocky and cheating divorce a few years back. It’s also critical to address anxiety or changes in feelings as they happen.
Conclusion
Because of the fluid nature of these relationships, and the increasing potential for FWB couples to become sexual-only partners in an ongoing romantic or entirely non-romantic relationship, how does time affect it? Can the FWB acronym survive over time? What percentage of these relationships become whole relationships, how does attrition work, and what outcomes are possible? FWB relationships are sometimes an integral part of couples relationships, sometimes they pivot into relationships and sometimes they may, over time, become couples.
How is it going to end, when you’re no longer interested in any outcome? Each season will bring new issues The possibilities for emotional intensity are high and there’s a critical need to be open about feelings and express needs, desires and limits. Tools of honesty, good boundaries and good communication hold the relationship together. Understanding the potential of outcomes might help one make the best decisions – finding a pathway to a FWB relationship that is satisfying and respectful of both parties.